I am at the end of a very thin rope. I no longer feel that I am a wife, I am merely a very underpaid caretaker for my husband. There is only so much crap (literally ) than I can take. Is there a way back from this?

56 Answers

wallace.cardi
Answered 10 months ago    reply

With this disease it only gets worse try to get help so you wont compromise your own health prayers sent


ci
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Plse don't give up.We will pray for yr will be strong. Blessings!

hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Thank you.


mackinnon
Answered 10 months ago    reply

You need an outlet and through your primary care doctor you can be referred to a family therapist or even a medical social worker who can help you find the help and support you need.. Blessings to you and your husband .


alfreda.h
Answered 10 months ago    reply

There is not enough in the way of compensation when caring for a LO. .. No thank yous ... I cared for my mom 24 / 7 siblings wouldn't help I did get paid but it equaled 45.00 per 24 hour day ... then at one point 00.00 per day ... with each day it got worse, there's no turning this thing around ... then at her furneral siblings said I -them didn't know she was dieing. .. WTH, did they think was gonna happen. ... but I abd my one sister got the best of it all we would hold on to those minute moments that were funnie we have the good stories. ... Like -- ok my mom was very private and proper. .. But when she lost her noodles... she was a diffrent person, one night about 3 am... our dog lil mama, woke me and my son up because mom / grandma was making noise... she was sitting up in her bed laughing and rooting, clapping her hands and saying you go girl. .. I walked in focused on her out of a dead sleep, only to find the HBO channel had gone from normal movies to Porn.... I freaked out grabbed the control apologizing for the Big Nasty... the joke was on me because mom didn't know what was happening or did she... LOL... look for those moments hold on to those it help me get thru it... I still hold on to mine and laugh...


alfreda.h
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Holding you in my Prayers. ... You can always come here to vent we all are in or have worn the same shoes... Hugs


hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Thanks. My shoes are liberally smeared with feces. He capped on the floor, and looks like he walked in circles. It spread onto the counter and my toothbrush. Where did such an enormous amount come from? I can't get the smell out of my nose even after thoroughly cleaning.

given59
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Vaseline or vicks under ur nose can help with the smell. Check into hospice, they can guve u respice, and its truly a need!

alfreda.h
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Sorry --- but my sick sense of humor. .. ROTFL... I know the feeling I replaced my perfume for lysol, I delta with a but scather a fuel times she'd scratch her but while her diaper was soiled. .. poop on everything. ... she had even squated, and did a full on pile on the carpet in her bed room ... giving the dog competition. ... lol

b.kropp
Answered 10 months ago    reply

I feel your pain, have so many accidents to clean up, then do it over again, and again..

hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

That is great to know for future use. Thank you.


l.desiree
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Feeling very sad for your situation, it teally feels like you are all alone, ask for help, does your clinic have a care-coordinator ? How about the county social service...it hurts to ask for help, nut care for the care giver is primary.


melodie.janssen
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Praying for you Hoa. ❤️


hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Thanks for letting me vent. Tomorrow will be a new day, hopefully a better one. :)

l.desiree
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Care for yourself first, get some help, even if they come and sit while you go get groceries, do laundry uninterrupted or worried about what he is doing...it's hard to ask for help..it is no reflection on you...

raquel.yaz
Answered 10 months ago    reply

I️ had a “walk into the crap smeared on the floor before you see it” moment today too. My precious mom is completely clueless much of the time. I️ feel your pain, though I’d rather do it for my mother than my husband. Prayers for you and yours.


tingleyjasmine
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Heartfelt sorrow. Please take of yourself. Find local help and reach out to us to vent anytime! Hugs.


turney
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Ask your doctor if there is a place he can go for a week or two It's called respite care. That will give you a much deserved break


magee
Answered 10 months ago    reply

If he is using diapers it’s time to think about putting him somewhere that can take care of him properly. Your only human and you are starting to resent him over something he can’t control. I’ve been there and done that. It’s not easy.


alfreda.h
Answered 10 months ago    reply

My mom was in diapers, the roughest time was when she was still Mobil ... when she couldn't get around or out of bed she was contained... no surprises, .. I did get a bit of help front her health ins. ... a few hours a week... PERHAPS. .. you can get help from social services... Department of aging... or hospice. .. or a CNA that's looking for part time work. .. but if it just that he is to big for you to manage him I'd say yes it's time to place him in a memory care center ... Oh there are Adult day care centers.... No matter what you decide keep in mine you need to keep you healthy mental and physically. .. it's a rough decision, know your doing what is best for both of you ... I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be struggling in any way ... HUGS ...


b.kropp
Answered 10 months ago    reply

This sounds like me this moment, diverticulitis is enough to kill you, clean immaculately, shit again, do it over, then the third time you just want to go to hell. Home again, now thank god back on Hospice. Two weeks of miscommunication and you try to be nice to inept people trying to help you, then finally you let go and pray now, God will take them... don't forget to trash your health along the way .. But guess what, i wouldnt have it any other way ....


marica42
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Sending you a hug and a prayer.


scully82
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Praying for you i 'm in thé same situation good luck you have to be patient


lowe
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Praying you will have a better day today. Taking one day at a time helps! Try to find a little bright spot if you can. Some days you just can't.


lashandrafanelli66
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Unfortunately this disease will only get worse...You need some help have you thought about a care taker besides yourself or putting him in an assisted living? Prayers my friend


moorehead1
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Prayers fir you its a llong hard road. If you dont get some help you will end up resenting him and thats not fair. They cant help it


amoroso
Answered 10 months ago    reply

When my father in law was diagnosed all of the kids were in town for a wedding one weekend and my husband had a social worker from the alz association come and talked to them about helping their step mother and giving her breaks.

miley
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Did they function after that ?

amoroso
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Better than before


miley
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Depression is like this friend . Can you get out more ? If on medication already for depression, let yiur dr know you need to know if there is something better out there for you . Please take the leap to take care of you .


miley
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Do you have someone who can give you 2 hr break each day ? Even in the home , on the property so you can be you ?


miley
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Os he onedicstipn ? What are your worst days like ? Keeping s journsl c a n give you answers believe it or not.


evelyn
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Be strong, we will pray for you. Blessings for and your husband


v.trull86
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Praying for you


hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Thanks everyone for the support. Made it through the night with only a few mishaps. This has made me realize that sadly I am resenting him for what he has no control over. I appreciate the words of wisdom from you all in the trenches with me.

tingleyjasmine
Answered 10 months ago    reply

You are awesome. You are human. Please don't beat yourself.


turney
Answered 10 months ago    reply

I've worked in dementia health care for 16 years and trust me, you are doing a wonderful job asbest you can, but it's just too much for one person. Please get yourself some help, or get him into a facility so he can be cared for by trained professionals, and you can get some sleep and visit when you are rested.


gerry
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Really this disease only gets worse, you must be willing to put your life to the side majority of the time, I know it sounds horrible but if your alone there’s not much unless you go for putting him in nursing home and if money is limited then he’ll be in poor care


askins
Answered 10 months ago    reply

I wish I had my husband that I married back. Dementia is horrible for him and me, as his caretaker, wife and friend. I get to go to work because he sleeps most of the day but we don't get to go do anything fun. Also he has a bad back, PTSD and can't drive or write checks. He is my life but I miss the affection and lovemaking. Everyday is a new day and I thank God I still have him. After work, we take a nap together.

troy94
Answered 10 months ago    reply

I hear you Askins, I see my life with my husband mirrored in your post. I have respite come in for 2 hours twice a week while I am at work, and he attends programs 2 days a week with volunteer drivers. I too miss the affection, the gratitude and the love making, but like you I try to find something for us to enjoy together daily. My husband and I are young, and at times I grieve the plans we had for our retirement, the years we would be able to enjoy our grandchildren and travel, and then I am reminded to just enjoy today. God Bless you Askins and Hoa.


hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Yes, Askins relate. I miss just having a conversation. He cannot follow anything. His aphasia makes even a few words grueling. We promised to grow old together. I will either lose him young, or take care of him physically while he does not know who I am. Poor choices. Wish you all the best in your journey.


christophermangan89
Answered 10 months ago    reply

In this situation I have learned you need to find a quality Memory Care unit, I have done it for my mom, it is the only way, they have people trained to deal with it, just make sure you check on him daily because even the best places have staff thats over worked.

b.kropp
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Most seniors like my mother will be placed in a horrible facility, she has her pension, not 5,000 to 8,000 for memory care unit, must be nice ...

christophermangan89
Answered 10 months ago    reply

My mom is only on Medicaid

b.kropp
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Why hasn't this been explained to me by the multitude of case workers? I will investagate, but i do want to fulfill my promise, she can pass at home..

christophermangan89
Answered 10 months ago    reply

I understand, I promised my mom also, I have realised that I am not able to take care of her, it was causing me and my family to have health issues from all the stress, I finally got her into a decent facility, we visit her daily and it is more quality time with her instead of being a caregiver. I know it sounds tough, but it is actually better because they are safe and you get the rest you need so you can be there for her. If you get sick and pass before she does, she has nobody to check on her

hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

I had never thought of it that way christopher, but that is a very valid point. Thank you for sharing.

christophermangan89
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Your welcome


hemphill
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Hang in there. I am ashamed of my resentment and outbursts. I would loveL to sit in a room with my husband, to hold his hand, to hear him breath. My husband gained his reward and won his battle 6 months ago. The quiet is deafening, the loneliness is endless. Just one more time I would love to see him..


hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Nothing like reality to slap me back into line Hemphill. Thank you for the wake up call.

hemphill
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Sweeie, I understand so well your frustration. Your days are endless right now, you're exhausted and need help. You need a break, if I were closer I would love to help. Be good to yourself.


renatesimpkins
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Try to get some time for yourself recharge makes a big difference


gatewood
Answered 10 months ago    reply

May God bless you and give you peace. You are doing the work of an angel. Please consider getting help or placing him in a memory care unit for both of your sakes.


hoa41
HoaOP
Answered 10 months ago    reply

Ty. You too.


nanci86
Answered 10 months ago    reply

My mom is in a nursing home that I thought I could never do, but they know how to care for them better then we do. I see her all the time, but the stress and upset is gone. Take care of yourself also. Prayers


oren
Answered 10 months ago    reply

God bless you Hoa, and all of you/us who try to take loving care of our loved ones. In my case it’s my 87 year old mom. I have 3 siblings who do little to nothing.


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